“You may know Dr. John Gottman as “the guy that can predict divorce with over 90% accuracy.”
” After watching thousands of couples argue in his lab, he was able to identify specific negative communication patterns that predict divorce. He called them The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and they are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.”
Here is a small clip to introduce him to you as the author of Raising Emotionally Intelligent Children. In the end of the clip he tells how the researchers would find out if marriages were in trouble–by testing the children’s urine for stress hormones.
After taking the assessment in Raising Emotionally Intelligent Children (Scroll down to chapter two, it is an 80 plus question test, but it is worth it!), you can read about his four categories of parents:
The last post was on the Dismissing Parent. This one is on the Disapproving and Laissez–Faire Parent. This is a tricky one for us members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, because we are raising our children in a religious framework. There can be a lot of shame from religious parents.
“The Disapproving Parent
–displays many of the Dismissing Parent’s behaviors but in a more negative way
–judges and criticizes the child’s emotional expression
–is overaware of the need to set limits on their children
–empahsizes conformity to good standards or behavior
–reprimands, disciplines or punishes the child for emotional expression, whether the child is misbehaving or not
–believes expression of negative emotions should be time-limited
–believes negative emotions need to be controlled
–believes emotions make people weak; children must be emotionally tough for survival’
“Effects of this style on children: Same as the Disapproving style, which is they learn their feelings are wrong, inappropriate not valid. They may have difficulty regulating their emotions.’
“The Laissez–Faire Parent (“Allow to do” in French)
–freely accepts all emotional expression from the child
–offers comfort to the child experiencing negative feelings
–does not teach the child about emotions
–is permissive, does not set limits
–does not help children solve problems’
“Effects of this style on children: They don’t learn to regulate their emotions; they have trouble concentrating, forming friendships, getting along with other children.”
I think just being more self-aware and knowing about the different parenting styles has been so helpful to me. There is good news ahead as we learn how to be “Emotion Coaches” in my next post.